


What Love Is and Isn't

by rndm_bway_reference_grl_heere



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Crushes, F/M, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, Love, M/M, Oblivious, Post-Canon, Realization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 02:57:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18357191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rndm_bway_reference_grl_heere/pseuds/rndm_bway_reference_grl_heere
Summary: "You know you love someone not when you feel butterflies around them, or when you constantly think about them; but when you feel relaxed and safe around them."





	What Love Is and Isn't

**Author's Note:**

> I forget the actual quote that this is based off of which is really making me angry... Sooooo have the meaning of the quote instead! Enjoy?

Jeremy was once told that when you meet someone you like (or love, romantically), this will happen:

  1. You're hands will start to sweat.
  2. You start shaking
  3. You constantly have them on your mind
  4. Your stomach will do flips/have the sensation of “butterflies”
  5. You seem to fantasize about you being in a relationship with them
  6. You constantly talk about them



So, naturally, when he meets (or sees, rather) the beautiful Christine Canigula, he realizes that he's fallen for her. Fallen very deeply in love with her.

He sees how cute and funny she is. How strong her love for theatre is. How she doesn't care what is said about her (at least, not as much as normal people would). How just… _perfect_ she is for Jeremy.

He's noticed that whenever they're in the same room, his hands start to sweat, his body starts to shake, and his stomach has butterflies. So many butterflies, that he threatens to puke.

He quickly has to run out of the room to get his stomach in order. To wipe off his hands. To calm his nerves. Perhaps, maybe next time, they'll talk.

He starts spiraling down into his thoughts, then. About what it would be like to date her. Or what it would be like to hold hands with her, kiss her, even. He gets so lost in thought, he doesn't realize the bell ringing, signaling his exit.

Thankfully, though, Jeremy knows the best remedy for times like these.

Michael Mell. His best friend of… 12 years?

Whatever number of years it is, he helps. He takes his mind off Christine for a moment. He lets the familiarity of video games and Michael's basement take over.

They smoke a joint, calm both their nerves until they feel like jelly. They laugh until they almost pee. They play video games until they know their minds are most certainly going to rot.

It's been almost a full eight hours since Jeremy last thought about Christine.

 _Remarkable,_ Jeremy thinks.

And then, he can't stop thinking about her. He also can't stop himself from voicing these thoughts.

He knows it's rude. He knows it's annoying. But he can't help but talk about her.

“She's just…” Jeremy waves his hand in the air, trying to come up with the perfect word.

“Perfect? Charming? Beautiful?” Michael chuckles, a little annoyed, “Yeah, I know. You've talked about her like, a _million_ times.”

Jeremy blushes in embarrassment, “Wh- Bu- I- Sorry.” _He can't help it,_ he thinks, _I love her_.

Michael waves his hand dismissively, blowing out a puff of smoke at the same time. “Whatever, dude.” He then focuses his eyes on the ceiling, seemingly thinking of something.

Jeremy calms down, then notices Michael's blank face. “What's up?”

“The ceiling.” Michael snorts, still staring at it.

Jeremy scoffs in fake annoyance, trying to hold back a smile, “Well, obviously, doofus. What's happening in Michael-opolous right now?”

Michael shrugs. “Just… thinking.” Jeremy raises his eyebrow in silent questioning. “About things.” Michael concludes.

“What kind?”

“About your crush on Christine.”

“Oh.” Jeremy blushes again, “Why?”

Michael finally looks at Jeremy, a high look on his face. “Y'know how you always talk about her? Shake when you're in the same room? I also suspect you feel butterflies around her?”

Jeremy nods silently, not sure where this is headed.

“You think you love her, don't you?”

Jeremy squeaks, “Well, I _know_ I love her.”

“You barely know her.”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“No! I know a lot about her! She's sweet and kind and loves theatre and she's two months younger than me and she's just amazing and I love her!” Jeremy starts breathing heavily from the little rant.

Michael sighs, “Anyways, I was thinking about  something my mother told me: You know you love someone not when you feel butterflies around them, or when you constantly think about them; but when you feel relaxed and safe around them.” He exhales, a small smile forming on his face, “I always thought it was beautiful. Do you feel that way about her?”

Jeremy pondered this for a moment, then chuckled. “Dude, you are _so_ high right now.”

Michael looked at him with a look that said, _are you an idiot?_ Then he sighed and shook his head. “Whatever, I guess.”

They both focused on the video games in front of them once more.

~~~

The words stuck with Jeremy. However certain he was that he was in love with Christine, the words Michael spoke, just… stuck with him.

He'd think about it right after another encounter with her. He'd think about it after he thought about her. He'd just start to think about it, even when nothing had happened with Christine at all.

He shook his head away from these thoughts, though. _I love Christine_ , he'd tell himself. He tried making himself believe that he was absolutely, head over heels in love with her.

And, to be honest, it sucked for him.

Not because he was sad he was in love with Christine. It's just that he couldn't do anything about it.

He'd try to talk to her, but his hands would become to sweaty, his body would tremble too much, and the butterflies in his stomach eventually turned into a zoo.

So, you could say he was stuck.

He didn't know what to do. He couldn't talk to her, hell, he could barely be in the same room as her!

He really wanted to, though. He wished more than anything that he could do something about it, and soon.

He wished so much, that one day, he would most definitely marry her, he loved her so much.

Soon, Michael's words didn't stick with him anymore.

~~~

Then one day, Jeremy got a SQUIP.

 _For Christine_ , he thought to himself.

He knew it probably wasn't a good idea. He knew he shouldn't have gotten it. But he did. Even despite Michael's half-hearted protests.

And slowly, he saw it begin to happen.

He could be in the same room as her now! He could talk to her now! He could even _impress_ her now! And all because he loved Christine _that_ much.

 _For Christine_ , he'd say to himself as he hung out with Brooke and Chloe.

 _For Christine_ , he'd say to himself as he bought a new shirt with Eminem on it.

 _For Christine_ , he'd say as he walked through the halls with his new friends.

 _For Christine_ , he'd say as he turned on Optic Nerve Blocking.

Then suddenly, all in one day of having the SQUIP, he was better.

He was better at talking to people. He was better at making friends. He was better at theatre. He was better in every way he couldn't even think was possible for him!

But just because he was better didn't mean everything was fixed.

He still shook slightly, his hands still got clammy, and his butterflies stayed put, annoying the nest they created within Jeremy's stomach. But they weren't for Christine as much, anymore.

That started happening in the back of the school with Brooke. In Jake's parent's room with Chloe. Even talking to his SQUIP.

With basically everyone, at this point.

Then, he got frustrated.

 _I can't love_ _everyone_ _, can I_? He'd ask his SQUIP.

The SQUIP would sigh disappointedly, No, idiot. Love isn't just "butterflies" and sweaty hands. For once your old buddy Michael was right.

 

_Michael? Wai- where has Michael been?_

Not to your concern. Now pay attention to miss Valentine, she wants to give you something. 

 

And that's how Jeremy then found himself almost getting raped by a giant woman-baby.

 

He ran out of there quickly, seeking refuge in the bathroom.

 

With his hands incredibly sweaty, his shaking turned to trembling, and the zoo back in his stomach, he sat on the edge of the bathtub.

 

It's also where he found the cure to the love-symptoms.

 

He almost died when he felt Michael grab his arm, sure, but within a few minutes of talking to him, he noticed that all the trembling, sweating, and butterflies had gone. He was calm, and he felt better than he had in what felt like ages.

 

He zoned back in when he saw a hand waving in front of his face.

 

Michael's face came into view, and it looked angry, but also concerned. “Are you even _listening_ to me?”

 

Jeremy kept on staring, perplexed. How come Michael stopped all of it? Did he not love Michael, _that_ much? That couldn't be true. They've been best friends most of their _lives_.

 

Michael fidgeted in his spot, “What?”

 

Jeremy shook his head, smiling in his alcoholic-daze. “Nothing, it's just… It's really good to see you, man.”

 

Michael scoffed, “Well it's not going to be after you hear what I found out…”

 

Michael then goes on to explain how he thinks the SQUIP is bad for him, and how he should get rid of it. He says that he might end up in a mental hospital, or totally lose it.

 

Jeremy snaps. And in his drunken-state, he decides on the last thing sober-Jeremy ever would have thought.

 

 _This is why he stopped it. I never loved him anyways, then_.

 

“Move.”

 

“Or you'll what?”

 

Jeremy scoffed, annoyed, “I said get out of my way, _loser_.”

 

He pushes past Michael without another thought.

 

~~~

 

Jeremy regrets everything.

 

He regrets falling for Christine. He regrets getting the SQUIP. He regrets abandoning Michael. He just regrets.

 

His new name might as well should be: “Jeremy Heere: The Great, Big Ball of Regret”

 

Why?

 

Because now the SQUIP not only wants to “help” Jeremy to get with Christine, but he wants world domination as well.

 

The worst part?

 

He has no clue on how to stop it. None at all.

 

“Alcohol messes you up, right?!”

 

What are you planning on doing? Staying drunk forever?  The SQUIP laughs maniacally.

 

Jeremy panics. “You're a supercomputer! There's gotta be _some_ way to turn you off!”

 

Jeremy thinks a moment, frantically searching for an answer. Then: “If Mountain Dew Green turns you on, then Red shuts you off!”

 

Good luck finding it! To get some you'd have to have a time machine to the 90s  , the SQUIP laughs more.

 

“Or a best friend who's so old school that he buys vintage sodas from the guy in the back of Spencer's Gifts!” Jeremy frantically gets his phone out, but his fingers stop him from sending the message.

 

The SQUIP gasps, seemingly offended, then grins wickedly again.  Too bad you don't have one of those, _anymore_ ! 

 

Jeremy is shaking his phone, trying to get Google or Siri or some robot lady to help him contact Michael. “Michael! Call, Michael!”

 

His phone's malfunctioning, the SQUIP is laughing maniacally, and the applause from the stage, are all so old and so _loud_ Jeremy can barely hear himself think.

 

And then, amidst all the chaos, an angel appears. He's wearing red, small glasses, and has a bottle of red soda held above his head like it's a wonderful prize.

 

His voice is mesmerizing.

 

“Michael makes an entrance!”

 

Then finally, a giant wave of relief washes over Jeremy, and he almost cries.

 

~~~

 

It's been two months.

 

Two months since the SQUIP. Two months of dating Christine. Two months of actually having more friends. Two months of rebuilding the friendship he seemingly destroyed. Two months since… everything basically changed.

 

But hey, he got the girl! He got friends! He kept the most valuable friend! He learned his lesson!

 

So, in a way, the SQUIP wasn't _all_ that terrible. It just helped him realize a few things he had missed.

 

  1. Don't buy random $600 drugs that come from Japan.
  2. You don't need a supercomputer to be happy or successful.
  3. Love isn't butterflies, shaking, and sweating.



 

How he learned the last one is complicated.

Because, yes, he was dating a girl he loved. But… not in the way he thought he did.

 

He still shook. He still sweat. And butterflies were still, after all this time, _present_.

 

And it didn't feel right to Jeremy.

 

He wanted to be comfortable with Christine. To feel safe. Comfortable. _Loved_.

 

To his dismay, and possibly hers, he just… didn't.

 

He just looked at her one day, and just realized that he hasn't loved her all these years.

 

He was lying to her, to everyone else, and even himself.

 

So, to end the suffering, he broke it off.

 

No tears were shed. No arguments broke out. No turning into enemies.

 

Turns out, they're better as friends, anyways.

 

And suddenly, when he just simply admitted that his feelings weren't right, the butterflies went away. The shaking and sweating stopped. And most importantly, he _was_ safe and comfortable.

 

But then he got scared. What _was_ love? If it wasn't the shaking, sweating, and butterflies, what could it be?

 

Then a memory flickered across his mind. A faint memory, one he had chosen to ignore for so long.

 

~

_“You know you love someone not when you feel butterflies around them, or when you constantly think about them; but when you feel relaxed and safe around them.”_

_~_

 

And Goddamn, did that hit him hard.

 

Because the first person that came to mind, was Michael.

 

Michael Mell. His best friend. Literally his saviour. Everyone's actually.

 

Then he started thinking more about it.

 

He thought about all his memories with Michael, good and bad.

 

He remembered how everytime he had butterflies, Michael would be the one to calm him down. Or how everytime he needed help, Michael was there.

 

He remembered how comfortable they were with each other, and how safe and relaxed they were. No matter the circumstance.

 

It made him fill with more regret. Just adding to the load he still carried.

 

He only regretted more of the fact that he abandoned Michael. Purposely, even. It wasn't the SQUIP the first time, nor the last.

 

He had apologized Michael plenty of times. Tears and arguments and all.

 

Michael had forgiven Jeremy for everything.

 

But Jeremy hasn't forgiven himself yet.

 

How can he, when the person he loved the most, was the person who suffered the most because of him?

 

How can he forgive himself for hurting someone he didn't even realize he loved the most?

 

It seemed impossible.

 

~~~

 

“Michael?” Jeremy knocked on the door to Michael's bedroom.

 

“Come in!” He heard Michael's muffled voice from the other side.

 

Jeremy opened the door slowly, revealing the bedroom/basement he already knew so well. He smiled when he saw the room's owner sitting on a beanbag chair on the floor, eyes fixed on the game in front of him.

 

Jeremy took his spot quietly on the beanbag beside him, making sure not to distract the boy in the red hoodie.

 

Instead, he just looked. Not stared, looked.

 

Staring is when you look at someone intensely. Looking is when you merely notice something, or glance over.

 

He looked at how cute Michael's hair was when it was ruffled up. He looked at how his tongue peaked out of the corner of his mouth in concentration. He looked at how the glare of the screen reflected onto his glasses. And how behind those glasses were the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen.

 

And he didn't have to voice these thoughts. He didn't have to think over the thoughts over and over again. He didn't have to shake, or sweat when they were in the same room. And the butterflies didn't bother to show up anymore when he was with Michael.

 

Because he was in love with Michael.

 

It wasn't so hard to understand.

 

It wasn't like it was with Christine. He didn't have to voice the thoughts so everyone would hear how much he loved Michael.

 

Because he knew if he loved Michael enough, people would already know.

 

He didn't obsess over the thoughts of Michael in his head like he did with Christine, either.

 

He didn't have to when Michael had always been right there.

 

He didn't get nervous around Michael.

 

He knew that Michael didn't care if Jeremy had longer hair than most boys. Michael didn't care if Jeremy stuttered too much, or sweat a lot. He didn't care that Jeremy was unathletic, or just not impressive.

 

He knew that Michael loved him just the way he was.

 

And Jeremy loved him the exact same way.

 

But this time, Jeremy could do something about it.


End file.
